Saturday, June 20, 2009

fun book finds part 1

Do you "dabble" with tea leaf readings? Have you ever questioned the Lord's ways? Are you concerned about worldly affairs that might actually affect you? Are you concerned about animal rights? Have you ever masturbated? Have you ever thought ill will towards someone? Do you have "queer" friends? Do you like fantasy movies? Do you know who "Black Sabbath" is? Then this book is for you and you need it because you need to be set free from Satan's control!

Goddamn. Fuck me. I mean, this book was printed at least FIVE TIMES. Twice in 1988 alone. What's truly sad is that I'm sure people like this still exist. And are probably reproducing by like, the tons.

But shit! They combined evil shit with cute kittens. Can't be too mad about that.


Aww! But you know, you don't even have to worship Satan to have one of those.

Sincerely, my familiar (whether I like it or not because he's fucking mean),

Shit, wait. I have to go get stoned real quick for committing an abomination of god. BRB!

Ok. Back.

This is what witches do like, every day of their lives when they're not sucking the blood out of new born infants tiny little veins and rubbing their unholy whore-holes:

On D&D:

"Defilement of fonts!!!"

The like, only other occult dude besides Anton LeVay that they've ever heard of:

No wai!!!

On ouija boards:

"Dead serious!"

On Necromancy:

"Dabbling" or "Meet me at the Crossroads (crossroads)."


I mean, do people actually base their lives off what people like this say? Let's take O'l Joan for instance.

Worked on the best-selling books, "Turmoil in The Toy Box" and "Devotion in Motion (should have been called, "Devotion in Motion: Fragrant Lotions and Emotions)." Co-authored, "The Great Pretender".

("I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.")

Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord they God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the father upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.
Exodus 20:5

Or how about ultimo-fun-killer Phil Phillips?

Dude's parent's reportedly said, "fuck you!" when they decided what to name him.

He was probably big shit to... someone because he was in mainstream, shitty publications. So, he's basically about as useful to me and everyone else as Gene Siskel was living, let alone a corpse.

"Cartoons, candy, games and toys of any kind, fun, art, music, and being imaginative or expressing creativity is directly related to SATAN!! YOU CAN BE SET FREE OF FUN!!

Never forget!:


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Go Gonzoriffic!

We've gone to every Cinema Wasteland in Cleveland for the last couple of years and we always have a blast. Three days of movies, sleaze, getting fucked up and hanging out with my boyfriend, horror, gore, meeting legendary actors/actresses, getting out of this town, cool distros, not working, crafts, magazines, and all around awesomeness. We don't really hang around there at night because it becomes this large, drunken, goth?, obnoxious shit storm, but that's ok. We also hit up awesome record stores and eat delicious Thai Food and usually come home with our assholes hurting from spending so much money but it's worth it. You can also find in just about every grocery store the Great Lakes Brewing Companies beer. They are so good and they have cool names like Nosferatu and Burning River.

Anyway. When you're at these conventions you're introduced to different people and filmmakers that you might not otherwise know about. Sometimes - actually most of the time - this is a good thing but a lot of the times it's not. Usually (and I'm sure you know the deal), you walk up to a table for a new movie by some independent folks to see what they've got, you flip the dvd over to read the back while they're standing on the other side of the table staring at you and gauging your reaction with pleading eyes and you can tell that this movie they put all this time and effort into (well, maybe not) is a giant, awful turd. The gore is stupid, the plot is half assed (if at all), the actresses are twats, and there's something ridiculous and offensive like, "MAKES LEATHERFACE LOOK LIKE A GAY CAREBEAR!! - this guy we met at Speedway" or something on the front. Then you have to put it back down (because there's no way in hell you'd buy this, let alone for $20) and they start to whimper, and you say something how it's not about them it's you and you'll be back later but you don't ever come back to buy anything but you still have to walk by their table 20 times a day for the next two days and you can tell that they hate you by the end of the weekend because you lied and fuck you anyway because they totally sold stuff and it's just gets kind of awkward.

But! Thankfully, sometimes you get lucky. And I was that lucky girl this last trip! This was one of the times I bought blindly and was not burned at all, and also became a huge fan in the process. Witness, Gonzoriffic Films!

Go Gonzoriffic

NO budget, silly, gory, ego-free, girl positive, and original. I ended up spending $20 at the table and got 4+ movies, and they were all really nice people.

I'm so glad they put up a trailer for I'm in the Basement because this is definitely my favorite so far:

I'm In The Basement (Trailer) from gOnZoRiFFiC on Vimeo.

So, these girls are having a slumber party. Which you can tell they're just in a tent in one of their living rooms and they're all wearing wigs and being beyond silly.

They're (obviously) making fun of teenage girls and they're all really funny. There's a bunch of good quotes ("If I have a cock in my mouth, or in my asshole, I just couldn't be happier.") And the ending is original and funny. Most of their movies are shorts, and that's ok. More people should probably realize that they should just cut out all the bullshit and make their movies only like, 15 minutes and save us all precious, precious time.

I also got Blood Witch.

This movie is about a 17th century witch and evil shit and bloody, punk rock lesbians, which, I was sold on immediately. The dialog is catty and funny, and this is also nice and short.

(Countess Samela: shitty roommate, taking a break from ouija boards and working on her used-pad quilt)

I also got Cannibal Sisters.

This is silly because it's a remake of a movie that they already did, and that's a selling point, which is hilarious to me for some reason. That's just funny to me. This one is about a guy who attempts to assault the wrong lady and she and her bizarre siblings fuck him up.

And lastly, the full length, Fake Blood. This one is probably my second favorite.

The lady on the cover plays an aspiring actress who's excited to be in a low budget movie. As the movie goes on though, she gets a serious attitude and becomes a horrible, evil bitch. You want to punch yourself in the face because she's so bitchy but at the same time she did such a good job and is so obnoxious that it's hilarious.

Summary: All these movies are a total good time. I like what each person brings to each movie, and I hope I see a lot more of them. They have a bunch of old movies that I didn't know about that I'd really like to check out, too. You should really see them.

p.s. if you read this before I edited it, please excuse my terrible spelling and run on sentences and poor grammar. Yikes! It was worse than it usually is.